Uncovered

 This morning I woke up crying. Not about anything that happened yesterday or the day before. This morning I mourned the lose of the young woman I was years ago. I was a shy person. I had always been a  little introverted to say the least. I cherished friends and adored family. The simplest things like going to the mall with my mom and aunt Shirley seemed like a trip to Disney World. It didn't take much to make me smile. To this day... when I just can't seem to get it together I revert back to the days of just sitting and doing nothing with my mother and its sure to bring on a smile. Anyway... I was recently told by some  close friends that I am very cynical. At first I dismissed the idea, but then I thought about what they were saying... and it was true... it was all true. Somewhere something happened to make me lose faith in people. I was damaged!  I couldn't put my finger on what it could be though. I replayed events in my head and... nothing! I let it go and pushed it to the back of my mind where I would soon realize I had pushed many things.

At least 2 weeks went by without me giving it any thought. Then this morning while I was still asleep. The sky in California started to cry. I was resting. My mind free and unguarded. No safety in place to hold back the memories I had tucked away so carefully. I was jolted awake and IMMEDIATELY the tears began to flow. My unguarded mind had let some things out that I never intended to remember again. I... a STRONG black woman... had suffered physical, mental and emotional abuse some years ago at the hands of another and all in the name of love. I thought I had dealt with it... healed from it... gotten over it, but I was never more wrong. This morning scenes flashed across my mind like a movie on fast forward. I felt every hit accompanied by the dull ache of embarrassment and shame. Here I am... years later. Laying in bed with my husband at home with our children and this is where my mind is. Lord... have I been broken all along?! I ran into the bathroom so the sounds of crying and the shaking of my body wouldn't wake my husband. There... in that bathroom I realized that the young woman I was, had been left for dead a long time ago. Which led me to the question when I looked into the mirror... Who are you? It may take me some time to answer that question, but when it's all said and done... I'll give who I was a proper burial and welcome with open arms who I have become. Today I realized that I'm cynical because I've been failed. By whom? By me. If I couldn't trust me to take care of myself... then I could trust no one. I believe with all my heart that God opened the gates of my mind and heart and allowed the past to flow out. I will never truly be healed until I deal with what I've been through. So today I'll cry... but not alone... because the sky in California is crying with me.